Yesterday I cried, feel depressed, but today I said to myself – stay strong, bitch!
I went today to an AA meeting and I share my feelings. I rarely share – I shy and just afraid of talking in front of other people even if I don’t like them. I share my feeling today as I feel like shit and didn’t know how to get out of it. Because of guy with whom again my try to make relationships just crashed.
What I realize?
I realize that I never was happy in my life. I grow up in family but never feel happy, never smiled, laughed there. That is why to get away from home I was drinking, and drinking a lot. To forgot all my arguings at home, pain at home, screaming, shouting I could not live like that. I don’t remember no one happy moment from childhood. Until 24 years I drink a lot just to destroy myself, my emotions. I believed alcohol gives me happiness but it was an illusion. Alcohol doesn’t give happiness but lets you live in illusions and fool yourself. The real problem never solves when you get drunk. You are changing nothing – exactly nothing when you get drunk.
Once I become sober.
Once I came to AA my life changed completely – in general to a better way. I came at 24 years to AA now I am 28…since then my life changed drastically. I can’t say it was easy – it was facking hard, I almost died, I felt so deep depressions…much longer then I felt it in drinking times. When I feel pain because of relationships I just go and get drunk and for one, two evenings problem solved. Sober life is ups and downs – its life. You cant expect to be happy in one day and forever – in real life, it’s not like that, but you can learn, get lessons, analyze situations.
This time I get a lesson that all my pain from relationships comes from family. Because I never feel happy in my family and usually I don’t have felt to men, and when rarely someone even for a short time makes me happy I just straight away fall in love and so afraid to lose that person even we are not in relationships, we just date but I already fall in love and reacting like he is mine and he needs to act like he is mine. I was so depressed last months, but now I know why it happens so. I analyze all this – I understand my Higher power gives me lessons to learn my self. The only way to learn myself is by staying sober and not to drink.
Another thing what I understand that I became weak, really weak one week before my menstruations. I became so emotional, crying and trying to find a drama. How to solve this problem? I wrote a reminder in my phone one week before menstruations and wrote a note: ” This is an emotional week before your menstruations – stay strong bitch, don’t cry and don’t do any stupid emotional things”
Wish you guys to find your happiness in life.