First-year of being sober.
I am so close to almost 1 year of not drinking – its life-changing. However, it’s really hard. I don’t know how I survive this year.
In AA (alcoholics anonymous) they say – do not start relationships while you didn’t reach 1 year of sober. I am the person who needs to try everything on myself before to believe someone. Now I can truly say that it’s true – do not try to make relationships in the first year of being sober.
I am in AA for almost 4 years.
First-year I didn’t listen no one and still tried to date with a guy from AA. I thought we are on the same boat- we should be okay both together, but it was terrible. We broke up and I almost dye – literally, morally, mentally I dye. That guy didn’t love me and for me who tried to create serious relationships first time in my life, the first time in my life fall in love sober to someone. Not with alcohol but really in sober life – it was the lowest point. I thought I will go crazy, I drink and drink and could not stop. Later after relapse, I could not work, study, eat. I lose 10kg. It takes me more than a year to get over it. I promise to myself that I will not give up – I will continue to go to AA and will not start new relationships.
I am the person…
I am the person who cants stop myself time to time meet with a guy – just meet and talk, or go for dinner, etc. It doesn’t mean sleep, it means just meet with someone. And mostly I don’t have any feeling to no one that’s why I feel I can do that. I change country. Thought I could drink a little bit here, but no I am alcoholic and it doesn’t matter where I am I will get drunk the same. While I was drinking I met with one guy and I start to really like him but I could not understand what’s wrong with him. There is something that I don’t understand. I thought it’s my alcoholic thinking and I need to stop drink to understand clearly my feelings.
I start to go to AA again. And after one month of being sober, I find out that guy with whom I fall in love get married during the time while we dating. I was shocked and feel like I am smatched on the ground. I am not existing, I lost myself, feeling depressed because I could not understand what kind of person could do that – being engaged and dating at the same time with other women before his marriage. I could not except to myself that all was lies, everything that that guy told to me was lies… How should I keep myself strong and not drink in this case ? How ??
I have been so unsuccessful in relationships all my life even I am good looking women with enough attention. And this was one more failure. It was so hard to get away from those feelings, I cried, feel depressed but the most important I stand up – I didn’t start to drink and get strong again to be happy. I finally feel happy again and said to myself – no more relationships for you. No more. Finish. Don’t try, don’t date, stay away from men for a longer time.
There finally was a time when I felt happy again, enjoyed life, feel strong and then one moment I feel like I want to have sex with someone. And I feel it so strong that I just thought I will date with one guy from work (which I was going to quit), we will have sex and that’s it. But everything turns out that I fall in love with him, I could not believe that in one year period I could fall in love twice. Before when I was drinking until 24 years I didn’t love no one. At 24 I came to AA and fall in love with that guy from AA. And from 27-28 years I fall in love twice. I was happy that I had a feeling for someone.
We meet sometimes and I could not understand him also. He was so good to me, but at the same time, he liked to drink and partying. And once I decide to ask him (actually ask someone first time in my life) – does he wants to be together? And he said: “I am not sure” and fr excuse he said that he just move to this country and he doesn’t know how long he will stay and he wants to enjoy life etc.but he likes me and there is nothing wrong with me. Okay, I thought maybe he just needs time, later it turns out that he meets with me only on Friday nights, have sex and on Saturdays go out for hunting new girls. He follows many girls in Instagram, sits in Tinder, in facebook, he hides his friends I believe because he has a lot of women there. I end up with the understanding that he just want to sleep with me and at the same time he likes a lot of girls.
One more failure
One more failure, Now it’s being second months as we don’t talk, don’t meet, don’t text each other. I just decide not to write to him and he doesn’t write to me too. So he doesn’t give a shit. But for me, it was so painful. Already one month I can’t stop thinking about him. I am crying, I feel depressed and I know that he doesn’t give a shit. I feel like I want to get drunk, really drunk but I also understand what it will change? It will get just worst. It will not change anything. I try to be strong, some moments I get back to life and feel stronger than before, but then some moments I broke and I just start crying and feel pain in my stomach. Sometimes feel like I am going crazy.
That’s why AA suggest to not to drink in the first year. Because its too crazy emotions which are very hard to get over without drinking. You don’t know how strong you are until being strong is the only option.