I did not write for quite a long time. Why? Because actually, I like to write something when I feel bad. When my life, in general, became good somehow I don’t write nothing. When I just move to live in Malta I thought that nothing could help me to become happy. In the beginning, I even thought if I did the right decision to move to another country, change job. Do I am running away from myself? Or I just need to change my routine life, my daily atmosphere, people around me and everything.
Is it was right decision to change the country ?
Yes, definitely it was. If someone would ask me should she/he needs to move to another country? My answer would be yes. Of course, it depends on many things. If you do not have a job and you just move to another country with all your saving, then I would not suggest doing that.
Am I escaping from myself?
In the beginning, I thought that probably yes, also I understand that I could not escape from myself. If I am unhappy I need to change myself, but I was believing that also my whole life needs to be changed. I was right. Right now I am happy that I changed it, I am happy that I did my decision at that time and I am happy where I am. Before I was stuck in my life. Also, I believe that every 4 years you need to change something in your life.
AA and my relationships with alcohol.
I start. I start to drink again in Malta. Once I drink so much that next day I could not go to work. I took an ill page for the job and the second day also was staying at home. I feel depression, I feel sad and angry to myself that 2 days I didn’t go to the job because I was drinking. When I just come to Malta I thought I could drink a little bit of wine. At the beginning little bit of wine one day, then another day. One bottle than another bottle. Later I got tired of that wines, I stop drinking it during the week. I was thinking that sooner or later I will become to that drinking point where I was before but a little bit I was hoping that it will not be like that. What a stupid blond girl I was. When I start to drink again rum and next day did not go to the job and in the morning start drink rum again…I understand..that’s it. I am there again.
Then I thought. Okay. It is just one weekend. It will not happen again. Next weekend I had a staff party where I again drink too much, talk to people with whom I should not talk, says things which I should not say. I feel so ashamed of my self. Also 2 free days I had after that and 2 days I stayed at home and doing nothing. Hated me.
After that 2 days, I go to AA first time after so long time. First time in Malta. There where not so much people and I do not like groups where is not so many people because if nobody wants to talk then you sit in the silence. I hate that. Also, if you just not interested in some people but you need to listen to them anyway because there is no one else to whom to listen.
Okay, I do not have mood anymore to write.
Thank you for reading this.