Fucking relationship with mother, AA, prostitution

Crying after a talk with mother

relationship

Ten minutes talk with mother and I am crying. Why relationship with my mother is so hard. It has been so hard all my life, because of her I was crying so much in my life. All my life I wanted a normal mother. I can not change her anymore. She lives in another dimension. Another planet, where all world is against her. She is the victim and everyone should take care of her but she thinks everyone is against her. Everyone is wrong, everyone is guilty because of her sickness. I can not understand why she can not leave peaceful life. Drama queen. She is always complaining about everything. She all her life is pretending “sick”. And her sickness as she is saying is because of stress. Everyone gives her a stress. It is everyone fault.

Mother

When I was living till 18 years with her, she was always saying that because of me she is stressed, she is sick and bla bla bla. When I leave home then she visiting me in another city and still keep arguing about everything. Then she calls ten times a day and complains how sick she is that I am so bad daughter that does not take care of her, do not visit her so often. I can not live that life anymore. I was thought so many times just quit my family because of my mother and don’t talk, don’t call them. Just say that they do not exist for me anymore. She does not have a daughter anymore.

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Mother is ill all her life

I want to live my own peaceful life not be addicted to my mother. When I said that I will move to live to another country she again also thinks about herself and just keep saying “and what you will do if I will get really sick”, “if you will leave the country I will cry, you don’t care about me?”. Somehow father makes her calm down and I could leave my country. Now she is calling me every day and says “when you will come back?”, “and if I will die you will not care?”. She is visiting doctors all the time and she is trying to find worst diseases just could complain again how sick she is and to show us that doctors say she is heavily ill. She has been “ill” all her life. Okay now she is 53 years old and of course, there should be some health problems but she makes it everything so dramatic. She is daying and daying. And each day she is daying already last 15 years.

She complains all the time it is because of a small city where she lives and hates already everything there and everyone there. She hates her job. Everyone from the family says to her quit job, move away from the city but no she always tries to find excuses. Two years ago the doctor said that she has asthma. She again complains that it is because of place where she lives, because of people around, because of stress but when I am saying it is because of all mess what she has at home she doesn’t accept it.

A home full of rubbish

relationship

My parents home, where I was living till 18 years old and my parents still live there, there is so big mess. She doesn’t clean at home, we have one room full of clothes, other room full of papers, cosmetics. Clothes are everywhere. She just doesn’t throw out nothing. She keeps all things. I hated my home because never ever could invite home no one because it was impossible to clean it in 1 hour. It is impossible to clean it even in one day. It needs at least one week to clean it. I tried so many times to help her threw out clothes, papers, all rubbish but it never worked. Never. Of course, if you live all your life in so big mess how you could not get ill with asthma. She is trying to prove me that it is not because of all that garbage what we have at home, it is because of the air around the home (We have a house straight near the lake), the people around and because of stress. The air is good. If you live all your life in this mess how your head could be clear.

I want to give up and it will be the end

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I can not help her, I tried so many ways so many times. I tried to talk to her, she doesn’t listen, she doesn’t try to understand me. She thinks only about herself, complains that I don’t take care of her, she is alone and no one cares about her. She is sick women and I am so bad person that I do not care. I am tired. I just want to stop it and I am thinking all my life how to stop it. Should she have to finally die or should I need to die? Fucking relationship. Or should I need just say that that’s it? I don’t have a mother anymore because all my fucking life is fucked up because of my mother. All my childhood I was crying and living in a psyho home. Two times I wanted to make suicide. And sometimes even right now in my 27 years, I want to do suicide too because of her. She is my mother if I will quit and will never ever talk to her, she will just die because of sadness and sickness what I have done to her. It will be my fault in everything that is happening with her.

How became alcoholic and start going to AA

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I am traveling and she is worried about me all the time, she is sick and when I came back she always complains how sick she is and it is because of me. I am alcoholic. I was going to aa (anonymous alcoholics). I start drinking more and more because wanted forgot all my argues with my mother. Always when I had an argument with her I go out from home and get drunk. Each year it was more and more when I find myself that I could not live this life anymore with alcohol.

The beginning of prostitution

I wanted to be loved, I wanted someone who would be close to me, who would talk with me, who would be interested what I think, what I feel. How do you think where I found it? I found it in many men’s when I was 16 years old. I start date with men’s because they listen to me, they say how beautiful I am, they care what I am thinking and what I feel. In turn of that, of course, they wanted something more. I give them my body. One time, too time. I give them it only because they listen to me even I did not have any feeling to them. Even probably I didn’t like them. That is how I learned to sleep with someone without feelings.

prostitution

One time one man give me a money for the meeting, then there were other men who give me some gifts and that’s it. You are in the circle of prostitution in your 16. I run away in summer holidays from parents home at 17 years and get in “massage salon”. It was not normal massage salon. It was prostitution salon. One month I stayed there but that one month affected all my life. I could not forget it. I start drinking much more. At the same time, I keep dating with men for money in free time. I meet with them, talk about things about what I can not talk to my mother, I drink and when get drunk sleep with them.

Ahh..probably I need to start going to aa. I stop now for some time, but somehow I need to start going to AA again. Otherwise, I don’t know. I am going crazy again in this life.

Help me, please 😦

Monre :*

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