Why I drink?!!

Why I drink?

Why people are drinking so much in nowadays? Everywhere. People are losing themselves. You really think when you drink that you became better and life is happier?

Why I drink? Am I shy from someone and I need a drink to open to someone. I was so tired today of my work, fucking tired. We had business lunch, I feel bored there that I thought okay one glass of wine. Its okay and nothing will happen. One glass of wine with dinner is okay. I drink one glass and I understand that I want one more.

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Half of our team finish lunch and go to the bar. As I am new in my team I thought I should go there because I really think if you drink with someone together you became closer. Its fact and it is so. In each company, working place if you drink after work sometimes with someone together you became closer. I have a strategy at least at the beginning drink together and when you became friends you can stop drink with them. Even I don’t want but I push go everywhere with the team together.

I was going to aa (anonymous alcoholics). I know I can not drink. I also have alcoholics in my family. Okay, not mother, not father but still I know I need to be careful with alcohol. I like a drink I enjoy it but I should not do that. A lot of people drink, get drunk, next day wake up like nothing happened, but I…If I drink one day than next day I just die. I cant do nothing, I don’t have energy and I just stay in my bed and don’t know what to do.

Hangovers are terrible. I remember 3 weeks ago I go out with one German girl for the party. We drink the same and at the next morning I wake up and I had so big hangover. When I saw her in the morning she looks like she didn’t even drink yesterday. She feels like she didn’t even drink yesterday. Then I understand – I am getting old. The time when I could drink all night and next day wake up fresh ends.

It’s FUCKING HARD!

Its really fucking hard to not get a drink and not smoke. I want to quit both but I cant. When I was going to aa (anonymous alcoholics) I didn’t drink maybe 5 months and then when I start I was drinking 3 or 4 days and could not stop. After that, I start going again to AA and again didn’t drink almost 6 months. I broke and start drink again. I had a hard time, I was going crazy. The feelings in life start became different. Sober life is different. Is it better? It is better but it is also hard.

I am jealous of people who can easily not drink or people who never smoke before. But when I tried didn’t drink, didn’t smoke I feel so “right girl”. I feel too right. I have very good education, good, respectful job, I am good looking blond girl, don’t smoke and don’t drink. Don’t have tattoos or piercings. At the same time, people say to me – why so amazing girl is still alone? Yes, fucking why? When I didn’t drink and didn’t smoke I feel so”right”. From one side I liked it but from another side, I thought there is no action in life. I need it. I need to do crazy things but without drinking, I am thinking too much.

I am thinking if it would be better go outside on Friday evening or just stay home and sleep well. Always when I am sober I chose to stay home. Always if I drink at least one glass I want to go out and do crazy things. My time in this life is limited and If I will stay home and don’t go nowhere….What for I am living? For the job, for money, for what?

Always people are waiting for the perfect moment to stop drink, to stop smoke, but there is no perfect moment. I am waiting for a perfect moment almost 10 years to quit smoking. Each day I am thinking – I will quit tomorrow. Tomorrow I am thinking the same and it never ends. I actually enjoy smoking. I enjoyed first 3 years then I start thinking that I want to quit. Now I know that I really want quit but I cant. I just fucking cant.

Sometimes I am just thinking that my life is fucked up. I smoke, I drink, I don’t have a lot of friends, I don’t have a boyfriend, I didn’t achieve those goals in a career what I wanted, I don’t have kids, I don’t have perfect family relationships. Fuck, in which area I have something good?

From another side I am thinking I am too young, I will have everything but not now. I still have time for all that things. For friends, family, kids, career, and husband.

Appreciate what you have!

Ahh, life is sometimes so hard. I always think that there are millions of people who have much more harder life and they are happier then I am. Doesn’t matter how big salary you have, doesn’t matter how you live but it matters how you appreciate what you have.

Remember! Each of us should be thankful to “higher power” for what we have. For our families, four our health, for our jobs and people who are around you and who are your real friends.

I remember when I stop drinking I lost so many “friends”. I also choose just not meet any more with so many people because I really understand that I am meeting with them only for drinking, we don’t have any common things. When I was sober I really could not understand why I met with that “friends” because mostly they were awful. They weren’t friends, just drinking friends. They want to see you drinking with them.

Alcohol, alcohol everywhere alcohol. You need be strong if you want to stay sober and go against everyone with your soberness. I know I am drinking now, but I will find an aa (anonymous alcoholics) also in Malta and I will go there because I know that it is just a time when I will start drinking more and more, and I don’t want it. I know how it is to live without alcohol. That life is more quality but if you want action it is also hard to get it. Alcohol gives you that feeling and emotions what you can not get without it. When you are sober you miss that high feeling.

Remember one thing – alcohol gives you wrong and fake feelings. That is not the truth of your feelings. A fake life where you later just don’t understand anymore who are you and what is your personality.

Monroe :*

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