I am thinking…if it is strange to be single until my 26 years? I am texting with one guy from the internet and he asks me – do I had ex-relationships? I just answered that I am single. The truth is that I have never been in serious relationships. Actually, if I start thinking about that it little scares me. I don’t know how it is to be in relationships. It should be something beautiful. You like someone, you spend time together but I am single not because no one wants to be with me but because I don’t feel in love with someone.
I don’t know…I feel lonely. I think if I will say to someone that I have never been in serious relationships then people will think – its definitely something wrong with her. Am I wrong? Do I have some errors? I have been in love in my life 2 times. One time when I was 16 and second time when I was 24. In 16 it was different but in 24. In 24 it was hard when I understand he doesn’t love me, he just plays games with me I thought I will die. I was thinking about suicide. From one side that small time what we spend together – I was most happy in my life. I want to feel that feeling again, I want to be happy again. I date with someone but I don’t feel that feeling anymore to no one.
Who knows what is right. Be with someone together because he loves you or be in love with someone to not get the same back. To be loved or to be in love? Or just live without it without that feeling. Once you know how it is – love someone, you don’t want live without that feeling anymore.
There is another part too. Once you know how much it could hurt and how much it could destroy you, you also don’t want to feel that pain again. People make the choices. To take a risk and fall in love again or do not try to make relationships anymore because it could bring you so much pain. What I choose? I don’t know what but I am still single. If you will ask what kind of men I want? I don’t know.I really don’t know what kind of men there should be that I fall in love again.
Some girls are gossiping: “What kind of man makes you horny?”. And most of them answer that man with muscles look sexy etc. Only thing what I know about my self that me makes horny intelligent men. He could be with glasses but if he talks smart or I feel I could learn much from him or he is with big charisma I could start like him and even get horny. I think in our world there is so a lot of stupidity. I hate stupidity.
I don’t think about myself that I am clever. More you know more stupid you feel but when you meet people about whom you feel smarter …hmm…I don’t think nothing good about them. Also, I guess I should learn to accept different people. I actually accept them.
While I was going to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings actually I was learning myself. People who are there try to learn themselves. They learn not only how to not drink but they learn how things are happening in this life. Why you are shy? Why you are angry? What makes you angry? How to apologize and say sorry to people whom you hurt? How to accept your mistakes. They analyze. Actually, AA is so deep. Why I stopped going there? I afraid to go so deep inside myself and analyze myself?
I want to love someone. I want to give love to someone but how I could do that if I don’t feel that I love myself too. I have a lot of influence from my mother. It affects me a lot. From one said I know I am a good person and its thanks to my mother but from another side, I am fucked up in my mind. I feel something that I could go crazy and I am not normal.
I live in the materialistic world. I always think that I should earn more, study more. If I will earn more then I will be happier. Whom I am trying to fool? Myself? Everyone knows that in money there is no happiness. Also, everyone knows that better is a cry in Mercedes then just on the street. I think I make wrong priorities in life – earn more money instead of just search to find a normal family. A normal guy who would take care of me like my father is taking care of my mother.
Actually, my parent relationship is what I don’t want. My father loves my mother, he tries to do everything for her but she is never satisfied, she complains about him always. All her life she was a princess because we children were working at home, father working at home and she didn’t do nothing. Okay, she works on the job but that’s it. She complains about everything. When I was living with her then she always feels nervous and I make so nervous and I am so bad to her, I move out from parents house at 18, then she complains that I am so bad daughter because not visiting her often, not spend time with her. She feels sick and it’s my fault, always my fault in everything. It hurts..but ok.not about that.
My mother is just one unhappy woman who is going right now crazy. I always thought that I never want to be like her. She is a dictator with an angel face. But what makes she unhappy? Not people around, not father, not us children…but love. She married my father, not because of love. All her life, even father try to do everything for her, she never feels happy. In childhood, I didn’t see love.
That is what I am afraid of – stay together with someone whom I don’t love just because he is nice to me and later feel unhappy and go crazy as my mother. Also turn children’s lives as a hell.