Who I am?!

Have you ever feel like that?!

I feel like I don’t know who I am. I don’t understand what I want from this life. I don’t feel happy but I also don’t know what I should do to understand what will make me happy. I actually never been happy in my life. I feel like I am just existing and I am living not my life. I don’t have mental and physical balance.

I am afraid to live like this I want to change it but I don’t know how?! Earlier I was drinking, drinking, drinking because I didn’t know how else I could live this life. The most in the world I wanted a normal family – morally happy but I feel only morally raped for many years in my family.

My mother attitude is – at the moment when she gives me a birth I owe her. Owe her every minute and every time, day, year. It is hard to explain, but my relationship with mother push me into alcoholism, and also push me to start date with mens in my 15 or 16 years old.  It is so hard deep inside – resentment. I should forgive, live further. I am trying to do that but I am 26 years old I need to live my life. My life and not all the time be morally addicted from mother. There was a time when I hated her soo much when I start going to Alcoholics Anonymous somehow I change my mind and really really start forgive her for everything. I start try to understand her. I tried to find a common language with her.

The most in the world I wanted a normal relationship with my mother. Until my 16 years old I was going to the church and I pried: “God, please, please can I be with my mother friends, not best friends but at least find a middle way how we can live under one roof without arguing every day”. I pried, pried and pried. I sang in the choir in church but no nothing helps. It became worse and worse. I said: “Fuck it, God, I don’t believe you anymore”. And then I start drinking a lot, smoke, life was going worse and worse. I tried to destroy myself because there was no happy in my life, never. My childhood wasn’t the worst but it wasn’t happy. Moraly I feel my self raped. We were not a rich family but it does not matter, people can be pore but happy.

Anyway somehow one day I met a guy in Alcoholics Anonymous – he was a fucker, cheater, layer but I get in love with him. My first love was on my 16th years old but at my 24 years old I find my second love. We were together officially one month but dating around one year. I was so happy with him that at the moment when he left me I thought I will go crazy. I had panic attacks every day, I could not work, I could not eat. I didn’t eat nothing, I just smoke, smoke, smoke. I get drunk, I drank 4 days. My hands were shaking around one month every day, everything inside was shaking, I could not breathe normally, my voice was shaking. I feel myself that every moment, every second I suddenly can become maddening.

I thought it is just a time question when it will end but it didn’t end. It didn’t…I wanted to die, every day I was thinking how better should I do it. I didn’t care nothing. I thought the first time in my life I really feel happy but it ends as fast as it starts. It hurts so much. You know what? Mostly you have a family with whom you can talk about your problems but I didn’t have no one…no one. I was alone that is why I drink. To forgot everything and just to be happy. Alcohol helps me a little bit and at the same time destroys me more and more. That was a hard time in my life, really hard.

Now it ends and what I still don’t know about myself – who or whom I want to be? What I want to do in life? Where is my place, where should I go and do to be happy? How you know that you are at the right place in your life? Are you happy where you are?

Thank you for reading,

Monroe :*

4 comments

  1. It sounds like relationships beginning at a young age diverted you from discovering yourself as an adult. I am in a similar situation. It helped me to try new things, get away from people who think they own my existence, and to analyze my feelings until I could experience joy. You will get there. This blog is a great outlet!

    Like

  2. Sounds like you’ve had a tough life. Writing it out is a great way to release it and find your way through that maze of mixed feelings that can be so confusing. I too, hope that one day you find yourself and can say ‘I am happy’

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes, you are right. Writing is one of the ways how to help yourself. I wanted to write from my childhood but then there wasn’t an internet and I need to write in Diary. I was always afraid that someone could read it and always I was writing with thinking: “If someone will read it? If my mother will read it? I can not write this and I can not write that”. So then diary lost its meaning. My parents didn’t allow to have my privacy and they can look in my bags, books, letters and read it without any problem. Just now, last years when I find out that I can write on the internet anonymous I start to do it.
      Also, you are right, that find your way can be so confusing. I really hope that one day I will say: “I am happy”. Thank you for your comment.

      Liked by 1 person

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