In next week I am moving to another country. I don’t know for how long time, in the beginning, I think I will stay there for one year. I thought I am so brave that I can leave everything here and just move to another country. I thought I am. I was dreaming about that. I started hating my previous work even I had a good work but after almost 5 years working there, I wanted something more. As I liked traveling and I saw the little piece of the world I understand that I can not live in one country I should try live abroad. I should try to be by myself and try to survive somewhere where no one knows me.
I thought so…
Now I am afraid because actually I was used to living already in comfort. I had a stable job, average salary, 5 weeks vacation, can be ill if I wanted, can take a free day if I wanted, can finish work earlier, can come later. I had a great boss and good team. My team was males, I liked work with males together there are no intrigues, gossiping etc. In my vacations, I was traveling and somehow I became so brave that I want something more, not average people live. I find a job in another country, not better job what I had before but with little higher salary. In general after renting apartment salary will be the same as I had in my country.
Why I want to leave?
I was tired of everyone. I can not find someone who would think the same as I think. I don’t feel happy in life. Maybe it was because I didn’t have a boyfriend. Maybe it was because I didn’t have a love. Maybe, maybe who knows…no one knows. But also I wanted to escape from my mom. It was terrible when I was living with her first 18 years of my life. Then I move to another city 300km away at the beginning still nothing changed because I feel that she is still controlling affecting my life and do not allow to live me how I want. My studies, my work, my life was not my choice – it was choice of my mother. Somehow she affects every single part of my life. I feel like I don’t make any decisions in this life. The only decision was start travel and when I start travel I feel free, I start feeling that there is so a lot of other works in the world. Also better, also with a higher salary.
My country is not only one place where to live and be happy. Yes, it is my home but in this home, I don’t feel happy. I love my country, I love my family but as I do not feel free from my mother even 300km away I start thinking that I need to move further. I start to feel better when I was living in other city but still, it is hard because I was living in apartments which she bought. Probably if I would have good relationships with my mother I would not want to leave.
I am afraid how it will be there – in another country. More I afraid that I will stay without money or in very hard work. I will be stuck there and will feel like life start from the beginning, from 0.
Here in my country, I had like routine life. I was working, I had some hobbies, I could allow to myself some things that I could not allow myself before – gym, manicure, pedicure, restaurants, cinema, cosmetologist, expensive cosmetic etc. But I was living in my mother’s apartment with my brother, I didn’t have a car because I wanted a fancy car and didn’t want to buy a cheap car and put money in that shit all the time. In general, I had an average life but I wanted something better.
Now is it easy to leave everything? No, it is not. I want to cry but there is no way back.
Thank you for reading my posts,