Sad today…(26/09/2012)

 

I feel so sad today…again lonely…

Last days I really miss some love, hugs, just hugs, and warm words…mans closeness. Just someone who would be close to me, not sex, but just man who would hug me strongly. I want to fall into sleep with someone together, feel him hugs, how he breathes, his body. Unfortunately, there is no such man right now. And I didn’t try to make relationships in last time. In last time I met some guys, but I said straight away that I can offer only friendship  – friend zone 😀 😀 I said it because didn’t want to fuck off his mind and my mind too.

From another side, I have one or two men with whom I probably would love to try some relationships, but they are not saying straight away and not showing that they want it too 😦 There was one man with whom short time I was working together, we found out that we are neighbors. In the beginning, he asked me to go out for a walk or just come to his home, but I was afraid somehow, that is why I tried to find reasons why not meet with him. One evening after one party I decide to visit him – I was drunk already. We were talking very nice, continue to drink, we smoke hookah (shisha or how you call it) and suddenly I really get sleepy, somehow I stayed at his apartment for that night. My home was 3 minutes walk away from his home.  We didn’t have sex, we just hug each other, it was so sweet and lovely, and get to sleep. In morning he makes for me a coffee, give me a pill for a headache and I go home.

From one side I feel ashamed because of myself, but he said everything is okay and we should meet again like this. Then we start talking not only on facebook but also on phone. On weekends if we both are in town we try to meet, but somehow it not work, we cant meet. At the same time, we could meet on the working days evenings, because we live 3 minutes away from each other, I don’t understand what he is waiting for. If he would not like me, he would not write to me and also would not say sometimes some compliments also.

I will not try to push on him somehow, I think he should see that I have some feelings about him. He is working in government work and goes to the job with a suit. I really love men with suits. He has his own apartment, nice car, studying in master degree, men from the countryside, but lives in the big city but probably he is little boring. I don’t know him so well.

Other men just finish bachelor degree. He works in two low paid works. He has a great sense of humor, he is funny, attractive, soo sweet, he has a car (but probably my grandpa car is better), he rents an apartment with his friends. That’s all, of course, is not the most important things, but for me also not unimportant. Yess, about this man I could say a lot because some weeks we were dating.

We met each other at the club. He is one of the rare men with whom I had sex on the first night after the club and actually later in all datings we had sex too. Usually, when I start dating with someone I had sex only after some month, but this guy…He has a perfect body. At night usually some hug me a just first hour while we fell into a sleep, later everyone sleeps by themselves, but this guy hug me all night and I wake up in his hugs.

Why everything finished that time? That time he just simply said, that he at this moment don’t want serious relationships. Omg. if you would know how I feel that time. I feel used and left, just like a slut. At the beginning it hurts so much, later somehow it goes down and I even forgot that he hurts me so much and I didn’t hate him anymore. Now he shows up again, he said “sorry” for everything he did, hat he was an idiot. He doesn’t expect that I will forgive him, reply to him or will agree to meet with him, but he really expects that I will forgive him. Time goes and a long time ago I forgive him already, I am not mad anymore to him, I also remembered that great moments with him and understand that I wish to repeat it. So he offers to me meet again. I agree but I said that there is no reason to meet because I forgive him already but he insists. So in close days, we will meet, I don’t know what I will feel and also I don’t know how it will happen, but for sure – we will not have sex. Because all times when we were dating before we had sex. He lost my trust and he will really need to work to get my trust again.

That is how I still feel sad because there is no one who would hug me and just be sweet and nice to me.

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