The first step is to ACCEPT it
It has been proved, that women’s much faster get addicted than men’s. I would say it is disgusting to see drunk women who could not control anymore herself, but not less disgusting is to see also drunk men who can’t control himself anymore too and much more-get angry. So…I just understand that I have problems with alcohol. I am drinking too often and too much, I don’t control myself anymore how much I could drink, I am drinking as long as alcohol ends. When alcohol ends and I feel already really drunk I don’t ask more, but if someone will give me more to drink – I will. I just can not stop.
The next days after drinking I cant go nowhere. I am laying in bed all day because I feel so bad with a fucking big hangover. It’s not enough that usually, I have physically hangover, but mostly the hardest hangovers are morally. Each time it’s harder and harder to get over it, okay your body will recover, but morally after drinking night…you cant fix your mind so easily. It eats you from inside. But last times I understand that I start to learn how to forgot about that when you feel shame about the last drinking. I just say to myself “forget about that don’t think about it” and many many times…And somehow it starts work and till next drinking time (usually its next weekend) I forgot about it and start drink again like nothing happened previous weekend.
With whom to start to drink it is very easy to find, “friends” I have enough with whom I can drink. Usually I like visit someone at home and drink there. And usually, I get drunk and start to call everyone at 3 o clock at night. The best end is I am going just sleep, but if no…then I am going to the club and there my nights never end without adventures. Each time when I am going there I find some adventures and usually that kind of adventures about whom better not to tell nobody.
Usually, I drink with friends at home and then go to the club, where I feel okay not feel so drunk. I feel with great mood until my friends want to buy some drinks more or some guys offer me to buy a drink (and who don’t like free drinks, they are usually more delicious than others:D). And then around morning when everyone should go home I am in the best mood and don’t want to go home and I start creating what to do next. As usually, girls are doing – they are calling exboyfriends when they are drunk. I don’t have exboyfriends but usually, I have someone on the phone to whom I have some sympathies. Yes, its really great to do that – at 5 in a morning call someone whom you like and tell some bullshit, especially when you just wake up him. At the next day, of course, I feel ashamed of me.
The second thing is when I am drunk – I don’t want to stay at home. I always want that some male is next to me in the bed, hug me. It’s not sex what I need, no, I just want that someone hugs me, sleep on someone’s shoulder, that I don’t feel lonely. I am not saying that sex never happened, but mostly no
then yes. And after this kind of drinking night, I feel so ashamed at the next day. I cant look at the guy’s eyes. Especially because last times it was guys whom I know in normal life, it’s not guys from the club whom I will never see again probably.
After that nights I feel disgusting about myself, I feel ashame from people who saw me in that kind of condition. Earlier I was a very good girl – I wasn’t interested in guys, I was interested only about my marks in school, I didn’t drink and I didn’t party, I didn’t have cool friends. Sport, music, study it was all in what I was interested and what I did, but then I found “cool girls” as a friend. Because we start to study in one class. Cools girls party, smoking, drinking and also study not so bad. I had a choice or be with them or be against them and as they studied also very good I was with them. Yes, I have very weak character and someone can really easily affect me, I don’t have a strong personality and strong “I”. That’s why affected by friends I start drinking, smoking and now I can’t stop it after so many years.
Yes, probably you will say “bitch”, ” if you would not want it no one would affect you”, “you need one good slap on the ass from parents” etc.etc., all that kind of shit I can tell to my self by myself. I understand how I am, but I want to change it, I really want to change it, but I just don’t know how and as you know the hardest thing to change is change yourself.
One more thing – usually when I smoke all night with drinking I have blackouts. I don’t remember nothing and sometimes I am happy to not remember, but sometimes I feel so ashamed when I find out how I was. And not only blackouts, but I have lost two phones, camera, many jackets, wallet.
I understand that I need to look for help, but in reality, with my financing situation, I cant do nothing. If I will go to the doctor I will need to pay XXeuro for one visit, but it’s not one time visit it will be long time visits, but I don’t have so much free money to visit the doctor regularly. I don’t know, what should I do and how I could help myself? Right now I see only one way – go to Alcoholics Anonymous. To someone maybe it will look funny, but for me, it is really a problem. It is really, really hard to accept it and disgusting from myself that I am so far away with alcohol, only threw tears I say it – that I have a problem.