This is time when I understand that life will never be like before (Diary post from 14/05/2011)

I was writing my diary for many years, hears is my first post 14/05/2011:

“Again after a long time, I came back home. I cant describe that feeling. The less often you come home, the more you like here. But there was a time when I can’t wait to get away from, get away from parents, get away from this countryside place, get away from all this physical work, but now…..now I want again little live here – plant, weed garden, watering the greenhouse, collect leaves, even you are so lazy to do it, anyway someone will make you do it, but once you did it you feel so proudly about yourself. But what is there? Outside of the countryside? In the capital city of our country? Money, money, money!!! Money is there! For me, I guess money will never bring me that happiness what I got living in the countryside. That life ends and starts my materialistic world life. Joint trips to the forest after mushrooms, after birch juice, joint haymaking, joint garden plant and a lot of more things. Now will never be any more like before. It’s ENDS. We are 3 children, but everyone is away from home and everyone lives in the capital of the country. Now all family together will not be so often, we will not see anymore each other so often.

From one side I already miss it everything. Really. But from another side, I remember how hard was living there, how I was dreaming to get away from that life, how I was jelous about girls who live in the city and never seen the garden. I thought they are just lucky ones.

Now I live in the capital and study here. I don’t like an apartment where I live, I don’t like studies what I am studying. I feel like I am in a box. I used to live in the house, now I live in the apartment and I have one room. Now also all exams (which we call session) is coming and I have so many study debts, I don’t know even with what to start and how the fucking finish with that, but I also know that it’s just my fault and no one else. From one side I won’t finish this year, but from another side, I don’t want to do nothing. I just became so lazy, soo lazy. Why I wasn’t so lazy in countryside home? Maybe because I had a control over all my movings, and I hated that…”

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